This is one story about a terrific frustrated guy who buys a lousy fujitsu tablet  and gets more frustrated. This guy goes by an alias ‘Johney Fontane’. He is probably one of those guys who reads Mario Puzo a lot and dreams to be quack-gangster some day earning bucks by selling crack.  He is also one of the guys who does not own a personal laptop. So he decides to buy a laptop. After talking to a totally wrong person and listening to a sales presentation by a totally sucked off guy he decides to buy a tablet. He starts with asking his friends. They shower upon him their free yet useless recommendations. He gets some ideas. Like, one of his friends asks him to by a iPad.

Why would any one buy an iPad? It has all these negative reviews by all those self-proclaimed pony-tailed marketing gurus. And every where you can read ‘iPad is an expensive toy’ like in this sentence itself.

Eventually,  Johney, (if you have already forgotten this story is about him and his lousy tablet) decides to buy HP Touchsmart TM2.

Now, every morning this guy wakes up. Ritually hunts for tm2 on all the online shopping websites. In the evening he goes to retail shops. To ask for the same. About after a month of Odyssey this guy starts getting frustrated. As in Totally frustrated. Like, out of mind. Crazy.  He talks about TM2 only and he only talks about TM2. In-fact in his self-appraisal sheet he writes ‘I want TM2′. Anyways, He gets so mad that he spends a lot of dough to buy Fujitsu T1010. He thought he will get less frustrated if he owned a lousy tablet. In his head. But, as you know, he was, like, wrong? One must observe that when one is mad his ideas about getting less mad are not really cool.

Story does not end here. This is his conversation at Google Buzz.

Even a crow is a peacock once  you are married to it.

Coming Up Next: [Comic Strip] Nobody uses Google Desktop

A Zen master lived in a small cave high in the mountains – away from the world.

He had the ability to turn lead into gold. One day, a brazen young boy decided to find the Zen master and learn the secret of turning lead into gold. So he set off on foot for a long, long trek through the mountains.

Along the way, kind strangers gave him directions to the Zen master’s cave and after many weeks of walking and climbing, the boy, winded from the arduous climb, finally arrived at the entrance to the cave.

Carefully, he looked inside and, indeed, he saw an old man sitting by a small fire, deep in concentration. “Old man,” the young boy said rashly, “I have walked many miles and climbed many mountains to come here and learn your secret of turning lead into gold.” The Zen master smiled wisely. “Be seated, young seeker, and I will share my secret with you.”

The boy sat across the small fire from the master, watching every move the old-man made. The master took a small block of lead and held it tightly in his ancient hands. He chanted for what seemed like hours, deep in a trance. The boy wrote down every incantation the master spoke. He wrote down everything the master did – all the time thinking of how wealthy he would soon be.

Still writing down the words of the Zen master, the young man watched as the master finally placed the block of lead on the fire. He covered the lead with some straw from the floor of the cave and spoke one, final incantation. Magically, the ashes blew away and there, in the fire, was a bar of gold where the lead had been placed.

The young man leaped up. “I’m rich. I’m the richest man in the entire world,” he shouted. “I can turn lead into gold. Foolish old man, why would you give away such a secret?” the boy asked as he began to leave the cave to plan his fortune.

The Zen master smiled at the eager boy. “Because the secret only works when you don’t think of a black cat.”

iPad, iPad, iPad

Now that I have spoken every thing every one else in world is talking about I feel much better. I do not feel really good. But it is still better than last thing that I felt. I think it is ‘good’ to feel better because of small-small ‘good’ things, otherwise other small-small ‘not so good’ things will put you in an abyss from where you cannot come out even with the help of infinitely large army of differentially small ‘good’ things.

As we are taking about the good things I would like to mention a few more.

1. Title of this entry ends with ‘cow’. So, I have written at-least three times about cow (ignoring gazillion essays about cow and Diwali in English, Hindi and Sanskrit.)
2. There is a dragon in this post.
3. This is 51st post on this blog.
4. Some 1,420 good people subscribe this blog.
5. A chuddy-buddy visited my place last weekend and we spent whole night wikipediaing about Kautilya and Vikramaditya.
6. I am a proud owner of a platinum plus credit card which is being abused-misused to fullest.
7. I bought some 3 books which am not going to read sometime soon.
8. Next post may be meaningful.

ummm… what else?

Back in 90s a video song used to play so many times that I felt proud of cultural and linguistic diversity of India.

This song was popularly known as “Mile Sur Mera Tumhara”.

It got a new avatar today, on occasion of 60th Republic Day of India, titled as “Phir Mile Sur”. This new version continues the legacy of old one by featuring lot of Bollywood icons like Deepika Padukone, Priyanka Chopra, Shaan, Shankar Mahadevan, Ehsaan Noorani and Loy Mendonca.

I was reading comments posted for this song on YouTube (ie. despite my understanding of patterns of comments on YouTube. During a project I did a year back on “sentiment analysis using textmining” I realized that people who comment are from a different world all together. They are very different from other internet users. They are not like real people who post in forums or like pseudo intellects who pos on Reddit or trolls who post on Digg. These people sound like humans numbed by watching excessive amount of useless video. Most of the comments are like – “LOL” or “Crap!” or “hot”. In best case you will get a comment like “I can’t agree more!” or bashing of ethnicity of Michel Jackson or earlier commenter or mother of original uploader.) Most of these comments sounds as if people are dissatisfied with “too much Bollywood.” , “lack of authentic indian touch”, “absence of Sindhi, Marathi, Kannada” and many other reasons. I just want to say that – I believe that this song was not supposed to be answer to life universe and everything. No 4:20 minutes song can even think of touching even the broadest classifications of Indian diversity. Take away is – India is developing, getting modern without forgetting traditional roots and that we are proud of our unity in diversity.

Udder day a farmer realized that milk production at his dairy farm was low. He thought that local cowlumbian university cud solve his problem in some manure. So, he wrote to them, asking for help.

When professors herd of this they assembled a team, headed by a cowculus expert, psycowlogist and many physicians, the cream of respective branches. They intensively investigated on-site for two weeks. The scowlars then returned to the university, notebooks creammed with data, wheyre the task of double checking the report for miscowculations was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the farmer received the write-up, and opened it to read on the first line: “Consider a spherical cow in vacuüm. . . .”

PS: OK! Nothing was really punny about this bad pun. Still, pun is its own reword. Happy cownting down to new year, anyway.

The analysis below was generated for you when you visited this page. Rate your analysis on a scale of 0 (very poor) to 5 (excellent) on how well it applied to you.

You have a great need for other people to like and admire you. You have a tendency to be critical of yourself. You have a great deal of unused capacity which you have not turned to your advantage. While you have some personality weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them. Disciplined and self-controlled outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You pride yourself as an independent thinker and do not accept others’ statements without satisfactory proof. You have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be pretty unrealistic. Security is one of your major goals in life.

So, what was your rating for the personality analysis? above 4?

On average, the rating is 4.26. These statements are known as Barnum statements after P.T. Barnum, who used them in his performances, allegedly stating “There’s a Sucker Born Every Minute.” This, if he had said it, would be reference to the fact that Barnum statements can gull people into thinking they have been accurately assessed by the speaker or test when in fact the outcome could apply to anyone.

Posted in Fantastical Instance ]]> http://nishug.com/2009/12/23/a-unique-personality-analysis-for-you/feed/ 1 13.051504 77.595283 13.051504 77.595283 Nishu multiple_personality_disorder_by_freys http://nishug.com/2009/12/21/cheering-up-with-a-paranoid-android/ http://nishug.com/2009/12/21/cheering-up-with-a-paranoid-android/#comments Sun, 20 Dec 2009 22:27:23 +0000 Nishu http://www.nishug.com/?p=619 ]]>

introducing marvin – a not unremarkable mind

“You may not instantly see why I bring the subject up, but that is because my mind works so phenomenally fast, and I am at a rough estimate thirty billion times more intelligent than you. Let me give you an example. Think of a number, any number.”
“Er, five,” said the mattress.
“Wrong,” said Marvin. “You see?”
The mattress was much impressed by this and realized that it was in the presence of a not unremarkable mind.

”I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed,” Marvin said.

“Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don’t know why I bother to say it, oh God, I’m so depressed. Here’s another one of those self-satisfied doors. Life! Don’t talk to me about life.”

On being left in a parking lot for 500 million years: ”The first ten million years were the worst. And the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn’t enjoy at all. After that I went into sort of a decline”

‘My capacity for happiness, you could fit it into a matchbox without taking out the matches first.’

“Life,” said Marvin dolefully, “loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.”

“I ache, therefore I am.”

“Funny,” he intoned funereally, “how just when you think life can’t possibly get any worse it suddenly does.”

“I would like to say that it is a very great pleasure, honour and privilege for me to open this bridge, but I can’t because my lying circuits are all out of commission.” —Marvin

“Ha!” snapped Marvin. “Ha!” he repeated. “What do you know of always? You say ‘always’ to me, who, because of the silly little errands your organic lifeforms keep on sending me through time on, am now thirty-seven times older than the Universe itself? Pick your words with a little more care,” he coughed, “and tact.”

When you think you are most wretched, miserable and forsaken, think about Marvin

Most of the heroes are orphan.

Moses is abandoned in a basket, Hercules grows up without his father. Cinderella, Hansel and Gretel, and Snow White. Batman, Spiderman, Superman, many of the X-men. Harry Potter, Frodo Baggins, the Baudelaire Children, and Luke and Leia Skywalker.

Now that we agree on this fact, lets move on to another one which we can disagree upon.

Most girls like jobless guys as boyfriends

Before we skip the content to start bashing, lets define jobless guy as a guy ‘who do not work for a living’. He may either be born to a rich dad or is enjoying jobless benefits or just studying or is just Edward Cullen.

So, what is this statement based upon? An absolutely vague thought, backed up by instant (inaccurate) statistical analysis provided by friends and lots of love stories.

Why are jobless guys the dream boys?

1. Jobless guys do not ignore you. They make you feel special and important. They can say eleven times a day how much you matter to them and how they can do anything for you. (Also that they can eat you and they cannot read your mind.)
2. Jobless guy do not have many friends. So there is no one hogging all the time and attention.
3. Jobless guy do have will to work. They hunt for job and try to make their mark.
4. Jobless guys respects your work, career, fashion sense or even your make-up skills.
5. Jobless guys never bash your family. Even if they do they are just going through a phase.
6. Jobless guys lie to you because you are precious to them and they cannot afford to lose you. Guys with job lie because they are just phony.
7. Jobless guys ogles at other girls to keep themselves distracted. Guys with jobs are just disgusting.
8. Jobless guys are ill mannered because of the circumstances. If they utter profanities it is because they are under real pressure. Guys with jobs are so uncouth.
9. Jobless guy ends up getting a job then it is your inspiration and motivation which helped him. You can feel so proud of him and sing some song about awesomeness of your jobless lover with a job.
10. Jobless guys are quite easy to run away with. They do not have job and security issues. You can run away to a jungle where no one goes. You can climb/jump up the trees to watch your jobless guy’s world. You can build a peaceful cottage. He will chop wood in winter to heat the house where you both can sing “Jingle Bell” with your kids on Christmas.
11. More ….

I was named after a neighbor’s kid.

I was around three years old. I was supposed to join a school and my parents needed a name for me. The sacred quest to find a name for me was bestowed upon my cousin. Being the smartest kid in the family he went through gigantic repository of names. Source of this repository were names of students in his class, names of students in his elder sister’s class, names of students in his yet another elder sisters class and names of students in classes of all his cousins. Man! he was really smart to remember these many names.

His mother, my aunt, suggested to choose a name which starts with alphabet ‘A’ so that I can be amongst the first kids in roll call. But this suggestion soon received a veto from her daughter. Reason provided was – “it is difficult to do proxy attendance when you are amongst first students to be called.” So, the team of worthy knights decided that my name should start with alphabet ‘M’ or ‘N’. I was never told how they ended up with choosing their neighbor’s kid’s name as a name for me. I believe they must have forgotten about the brain storming session anyway. Or may be aliens came in a space ship suggested them this name and wiped out their memory of other details.
That is how I got my name when I entered a school, a last, three years after I was born: Nishu Goyal.

My name isn’t the end of the story about my name. When your name is Bob no one asks you. How do you spell that? Isn’t that more like a girl’s name? Not so with Nishu Goyal.

In my college days my friend who was also my next door neighbor, my bench mate, my branch mate, told me about his disappointment when he realized that the person he will be spending most of his time during classes is a guy. He apparently scanned list of freshers very well for all instances of fairer sex. Same sort of disappointment was confessed to me by teaching assistants, guys who came for college campus placements as recruiters, guys who joined the job along with me. List goes on.

But there was one good thing about my name.

I believed – it sort of uniquely belonged to me. If you google search for ‘Nishu Goyal’ you will find this blog. Not a big deal. But still. What is the chance that you will meet someone with name ‘Nishu Goyal’.

Well if you really look hard. You can find another ‘Nishu Goyal’ on linkedin. And what are the odds that my company owner goes to IIT Bombay for campus recruitment and hires her. I can’t even end the post saying – think about it.

You don’t feel like sitting, concentrating and working on one thing at a time. Instead you flatter yourself about adeptness of stitching in time to save the nine. You indulge yourself in multiple tasks. You fail. And you hide behind the forsaken masks. No one blames you. You are genius. Invulnerable. You are God.

Diabolic. Vindictive.

Yes. No. You are far more than Olympian Gods. You are a legendary Titan.

You decorate your throne with your elegantly proud posture in the hall of Gods. Sometimes you give a thought to the ‘things’ . You try to think straight. You can’t. You feel venerable to the ghast negativity of every question you have. But you are God. Insuperable. You sublimate the doubts in your aura of attitude and arrogance. You build up a cyst around yourself. Impregnable castle. You are amazed by your own efficacy.

You are amused by many other things about yourself. When you crack a joke you smile like a smug who just smelt his own fart. It is not depressing that you are the only one who is enthralled by your sense of humor. Other mortals just do not get the humor. They are merely samples of your playfulness. They might have a dim perception that you played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it. You are so authentic and original.

“Lets get out of the Sun and wait in shadow”

“I am generating vitamin D”

“Where do you live?”

“I live in the present”

Hail to you! Almighty. All knowing. Omnipresent. In your bizarre smuggish humor  there exists a subtle self mockery and bits of philosophy. It reflects how down to earth you are.  So cute and innocent.

But you need to tell your followers that you mock yourself, you bring pain upon yourself, you taunt yourself because even a legion of Satans cannot amiss your authority. You do it for pleasure purposes as no one else can do it to you.

And as far as your philosophy goes it is by itself a joke. Every joker is a philosopher.

God! Don’t you feel sometime to come out of your majestic city of Gods, get a life and put some fight like a real man?

PS: You are counting on mortals not to understand this. LOL